Okay. 
Okay. 
This is the truth.
For the past year or so, I have felt little emotion. At least, not strongly like I used to. I used to feel elation, severe sadness, and everything in between. Now, I don’t feel excitement or sadness/mourning. And I have not admitted this to anyone. And I am just admitting this to myself: I have been faking so many things for so long. 
I AM NOT A SOCIOPATH. Let’s just make that clear. I used to be the most emotional roller coaster ever (and once in a blue moon I still am). But things have changed. When my uncle got diagnosed with terminal cancer…I mean, of course I’m sad, but not nearly as much as I should be. I keep thinking that it’s just shock, denial, that I’m just a super optimistic person, but my emotions have not caught up to me yet. It hasn’t hit me yet, I haven’t started bawling my eyes out, and I’m beginning to wonder if I ever will. Do I just not care? 
Last week my friend/the guy I like left and I will never see him again in my life. I was/still am sad, but again, not nearly as much as the old me, the real me, a real person should be. I should be bawling.
And tonight, my duck of four years just got killed and beheaded in the forest, and of course I am sad…but I think you know where I’m going with this. I’m not sad enough. I keep thinking it’s shock and denial, but IS IT? Or am I just literally not feeling anything anymore? 
And same with excitement. Last year, the idea of going to Europe excited me BEYOND BELIEF. I was so pumped. And now we’re definitely going this year. And I’m…excited? Kind of? Fuck, I can’t believe I’m admitting this. I WANT TO GO TO EUROPE. I USED TO. I USED TO BE EXCITED. 
And same with love/lust. I still get butterflies about certain people, and I still feel nervous (nerves are the one thing that hasn’t gone away), but it’s not the same. I don’t want to kiss anymore. I used to want to kiss sooooo bad. I used to feel sexual attraction, too. I feel nothing now. Haven’t for two years. Absolutely nothing. All I want to do is just be “with them”. 
I feel like there’s this girl deep inside me who’s crying and laughing and feeling things, and she’s trying so hard to come back out, but there’s this sociopath controlling what used to be hers. That’s the only way I can explain it. 
And I need to talk to my mum. I know I do. I just don’t know how on earth I can explain to her that half of what I’ve been doing for the past year has been a lie. 
I can barely even admit it to myself.