(Note: Title and story based of a song by Annie Lenox, and the words in quotations are lyrics drone the song.)
"Every day I write the list of reasons why I still believe they do exist… A thousand beautiful things."
Jemma never really got passed depression. Not really. No one ever does. Ever since she was little she was always on the verge of sinking into it, and when she was in the depths, the idea of ending it was always on her mind. She could count the times she had nearly done it, nearly killed herself. The first time had been on the monkey bars when she was nine. She had actually tried that time, letting go when she had thought no one was looking. She had only broken her leg. The next was when she was twelve, the bullies had ganged up on her at school, and after she climbed her favorite tree as high as it would go. She changed her mind when a branch broke underneath her. When she was fourteen she came across a gun. She had her finger on the trigger when she remembered she had a library book she needed to return (the gun was gone when she came back). She never thought about suicide at the academy, or at all after, because for the first time she had a friend, someone to talk to. He was a reason to stay. After she met him, everyday she would write a list of everything she was glad of, and how beautiful life was as a whole. The last time wasn’t exactly suicide. Jumping out of a plane to save your friends doesn’t really count.
"Even though it’s hard to see, the glass is full, and not half empty… A thousand beautiful things."
She had always been a little careless with her life, something that came of thinking about taking it. But she cared about her friends so much that the other reason didn’t matter anymore. Her friends were why she jumped out of the plane, flung herself in front of a supposed grenade, and countless other things. Including dragging Fitz’s unconscious body up ninety feet of water, to an uncertain fate.
"So light me up like the sun! To cool down with your rays! I never want to close my eyes again! Never close my eyes… Never gonna close… my eyes…"
Now, sitting next to his still unconscious form, she considers it again. Considers ending it all, like she tried to do so many years ago on the monkey bars. Listening to the shallow breathing of her partner and best friend, and the steady beeping of the machines keeping him alive, it seems like a wonderful idea. So many serums lying around… So many different ways to end it. But then she feels his hand in hers, remembers why she’s here, holding it, and finally, finally, the thought of suicide is permanently erased from her mind, along with the worry of Fitz not making it through. All gone with a little squeeze from his hand, and an even breathe, a steady heart beat, and a glimmer of blue from beneath heavy eyes.
"I thank you for the air to breath, heart to beat, the eyes to see again! A thousand beautiful things…"