Tuesday, May 6, 2014

That moment when you realize that  you have done nothing so far in your life. I’m almost 21. I live with my parents with the man I’m engaged to because we’re both college students who are too broke to go any where else. I had a plan.
It was going accordingly until I met the one I’m going to marry in high school when we were both too young to realize that we’d fuck up each others plans, but also make new ones with each other.
I love him, but he took too much time away from school for me. He took time away from me and my dad to see each other. He took the time that I should have been using to find a weekend job in high school. 
Then I tried college. My first semester I got a job making pizza and two C’s and a B was my reward for my efforts. I’m an A+ student. I withdrew from my other course.
My second semester, my mom got sick. Really sick. They were planning on calling a preacher or somebody to do last rites kind of sick. The stress was too much. So I dropped out.
He moved in with me and my folks, because fresh out of high school one typically doesn’t have a car, and so I used my mom’s van. It was our transportation to work and school for both of us. Me driving every where was a hassle, but mandatory.
Between work and my mom, things weren’t good. I didn’t have a whole lot of spending money, because I helped with things around the house with what I got.
I decided to try for college again in the fall. I found out that my grants and scholarships were asking for their money back if I wanted their support again. I found this out in November.
March rolled around, and after working 50-60 hour weeks every week from November to late February, I paid off my financial aid. And Between the two of us, we managed to get a car for each of us. A $300 1991Toyota Corolla, and a 1993 $800 Ford Explorer.
I can go back to school in the fall. I’ve already registered. I’ve got my funding back.
But now I’m a year behind. I’m terrified. They want me to choose a major. I want a lot from life, but I’ve got only so much time and money to work with. I could stay up all night if he weren’t here, but he is, and I love him for the support he gives and the love we share, but he’s in the way.
I wanted to go to Japan. To England, Scotland, Ireland, and New Zealand. I wanted to be on the really big ships working the sails. But no one does that anymore. I wanted to be a marine Biologist, a Zoologist, a Writer,a singer, and a builder. I wanted to help.
But I can’t do that with him so close to me.
I was raised like an only child. A secluded only child. I was given what I wanted, because what I wanted was inexpensive and kept me happy. Books.
Books when on sale at the Bookstore are inexpensive, especially when you have a rewards card for 30% off all books plus the sales.
I think I read too many stories about people getting an unexpected journey that throws them into an adventure where they have to face challenges and obstacles that they need to find parts of themselves to help save the forgotten civilization, or the princess, or the crook, or even themselves.
I want that. But I know I can’t get that. Maybe that’s why I want so much from life. But having someone in the way of what I want is difficult when I love them so much, and I know they would support me, but they can’t give me the lost time, or the space.
I’m scared of the fall semester. We will both be in college, working jobs, and trying new things out. We don’t have much room. Physically or mentally. We’ve got a 14ft by 10 ft room that holds a mattress, a bookcase, homemade shelves, and a shitty desk I made out of plywood and wall screws.
What do I do? I don’t know what to do. I’m taking a job with less money so I can pay more attention to school during the fall. I’m suffocating myself and I know it’s my fault.
I know it’s not him, and it’s just an excuse. But I don’t know how to focus on all of it. He does though.
I’m scared.

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