Tuesday, May 6, 2014

A recent revelation of sorts regarding my anxiety...
This is a little bit what it is like, especially when I’m in a stressful situation…
My head is like a noisy room, everyone is speaking and normally I can pick up various voices, but this time, they are all speaking so loud that I cannot possibly hear what anyone person is saying. It get so loud that I would like to leave, but of course the door is locked. I have a key in my pocket, but in the clamour I forget about it. As things get louder, my wish to leave increases and I get rather frantic, frustrated that this door refuses to open, I begin attempting to break it down. Someone; the voice of reason; reminds me about the key and insists I use it so I can escape. Instead of using it, I will insist I do not have one. As the voice of reson continues to insist I have one, I take it out of my pocket and drop it, kicking it under the door again insisting I do not have one, and continuing my assault on the door. 
This is my anxiety, it builds as I get frustrated and as I get more and more upset, I become increasingly stubborn and single minded. Any solution or alternative is like that key, and until that voice of reason eases me away from the door and uses their own key to open it, I will continue with my often stupid, impulsive, and often harmful behavior. Often times I am already completely upset by the time I give up and accept the help being offered, and at this point I think of myself as useless and hurtful, because I tend to lash out without meaning to because I want things to work MY way, but of course they more often then not, don’t.
I recognise that I am not useless and that I am hateful towards myself, but I feel no need to rectify this self hate simply because I don’t see myself as good enough, or deserving enough. It is a vicious cycle that is out of my control…

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