God watches all sparrows fall.
Recent events have brought to mind the topic of suicide. Not the intention, but the topic. It occurs to me, 4 years on, that I’ve never discussed at length my most significant suicide attempt, and how it became my last.
I was 19. Does anyone reading this remember me when I was 19? I was morose, unstable, desperately depressed, and determined to be self loathing. It was, more than anything else, my self hatred which robbed me of any inclination to continue living. I had no desire to do anything for myself, and I didn’t do anything for anyone else. Learning to live for yourself is hard. Learning to love yourself, especially when its been ingrained in you that you’re not anything worth loving, is incredibly difficult. It takes years to accomplish. While I’m still working on it at present, I can honestly say that the events of that time were the start of my journey. It was a delayed effect. It took a long while for me to fully grasp the significance of things, and to understand exactly why I was destroying myself the way I had been. The reasons are different for everyone, and for me they were varied. For the most part, I would say it was the combination of old, deep wounds and of living in a social environment which had negatively impacted my self esteem for my entire life.
I had a headache. I remember thinking to myself, it doesn’t matter if I die. I just want the pain to go away… all of it. I was taking ambien for my nightmares. I don’t really remember how many I took. I don’t really remember the next 4 days. I was conscious for the first day, but have absolutely no recollection of it. I was told that my grandmother drove me to the hospital. I was unconscious for 3 more days. When I came to, it was sunset in my hospital bed.
Nobody asked where I had been, or even seemed to notice that I had disappeared for awhile. There were no concerned texts waiting for me, and when I told people, they either didn’t believe me or offered half-hearted sympathies. At first, I was hurt. With time, I came to understand that this was a symptom of how I manage my friendships. My family - what little family I have - kept mostly silent. Even so, I could see the hurt in them. They weren’t sure if I had done it on purpose. It had happened without warning, and they were caught off guard. I insisted to them that it was an accident. Still, the guilt was overwhelming. For a moment, it became impossible for me not to put myself in their places - to understand the tremendous sadness that would have accompanied my own loss. It did little to bolster my self worth, but I resolved to never hurt my loved ones that way again.
It was an offhand comment from my cousin’s then-boyfriend about a month later that had the most impact. It was inexplicable, really. But then, I have the tendency to hide my true emotions from my conscious self. He said to me, “You’re a cool kid, and we really would have missed you.” I realize now that it was the first time in the entire process that anyone had ever gotten to the root of things - even if it was just a minor compliment, he understood that it was my lack of self worth that had caused it. He saw that it wasn’t sympathy that I needed, but a sense of value. It’s been a long time, and everything is covered in a film of gray nuance and alternate meanings. Even so, I know that my future would have been very different if an otherwise insignificant person in my life had never said that to me.
Love yourselves. Regardless of what anyone says, you deserve it. Even more, it’s essential if you want to live a healthy life. Going without it can kill you, and if you’re living without it then you’re not really living. It’s the only way.
I had a headache. I remember thinking to myself, it doesn’t matter if I die. I just want the pain to go away… all of it. I was taking ambien for my nightmares. I don’t really remember how many I took. I don’t really remember the next 4 days. I was conscious for the first day, but have absolutely no recollection of it. I was told that my grandmother drove me to the hospital. I was unconscious for 3 more days. When I came to, it was sunset in my hospital bed.
Nobody asked where I had been, or even seemed to notice that I had disappeared for awhile. There were no concerned texts waiting for me, and when I told people, they either didn’t believe me or offered half-hearted sympathies. At first, I was hurt. With time, I came to understand that this was a symptom of how I manage my friendships. My family - what little family I have - kept mostly silent. Even so, I could see the hurt in them. They weren’t sure if I had done it on purpose. It had happened without warning, and they were caught off guard. I insisted to them that it was an accident. Still, the guilt was overwhelming. For a moment, it became impossible for me not to put myself in their places - to understand the tremendous sadness that would have accompanied my own loss. It did little to bolster my self worth, but I resolved to never hurt my loved ones that way again.
It was an offhand comment from my cousin’s then-boyfriend about a month later that had the most impact. It was inexplicable, really. But then, I have the tendency to hide my true emotions from my conscious self. He said to me, “You’re a cool kid, and we really would have missed you.” I realize now that it was the first time in the entire process that anyone had ever gotten to the root of things - even if it was just a minor compliment, he understood that it was my lack of self worth that had caused it. He saw that it wasn’t sympathy that I needed, but a sense of value. It’s been a long time, and everything is covered in a film of gray nuance and alternate meanings. Even so, I know that my future would have been very different if an otherwise insignificant person in my life had never said that to me.
Love yourselves. Regardless of what anyone says, you deserve it. Even more, it’s essential if you want to live a healthy life. Going without it can kill you, and if you’re living without it then you’re not really living. It’s the only way.
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