When I think about my life, and the way I am with men. I think about my dad and all the ways my life could’ve been better or worse had he stayed in it. My family always asks me if I speak to him, if I would let him back into my life. And no matter how many times I answer this question they still ask. 
Fact is, I will never forgive him. I don’t care what his reasons are, what his home life was like growing up, I wouldn’t care if my mother told him to never contact me. As my father he should’ve done everything in his power to be there for me, take care of me and make sure I understood what it should truly feel like when someone says they love me and actually mean it. Now it’s just too late. Too late to let him into my life. In all honesty he could die today and I wouldn’t care. If I cried it’d be over the father I should’ve had. Fuck him. Fuck men in general. I truly don’t think I’m capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone, let alone with a man. My biggest, deepest fear is to be alone; unloved and misunderstood. That’s been my whole life. My whole fucking life. I can’t take it anymore. It’s in my nature to love and care but what’s the point? I’m done. I’m zoning out. I’m bout to grow wings n dip. If ima be alone it’s gonna be cause I chose to be that way.