My mind is such a fucking paradox.

 I want to be alone, but doing so makes me feel lost.

 I want to be around people, but when I am, I hate people.

 I want to learn everything but I have no motivation to try.

 I want to get healthy and take care of myself but I don’t care about this body.

 I want the comfort of intimacy but I want nobody to fucking touch me.

 I want to meet new people, but the idea scares me.

 I want to better myself, but I also just want to wither away.

 I care about everything but I don’t care about anything.

 I miss you, but I hate you. I hate you, but I love you.

 What the fuck do I even feel?

 Anger? Hopelessness?

 Apathy? Contentment?

 I think I’m just hollow. Just waiting for something to make me feel again.

 But do I even WANT to feel?

 Maybe this is the smart way to live: carelessly, emotionless, apathetic and cynical. Realistic. Faithless, loveless. It seems full-proof: no expectations, no trust in anything, no heartache.

 And then at the same damn time all I want is to love and be loved.

 But what is love? I really have no idea anymore.

 Maybe love is just another concept created by humans.

 Maybe it’s just another idea we use to help us stay sane.

 Another marketing scheme.

 Another big fucking conspiracy.

 Biological instincts over-glorified and made into something they’re not.

 We all crave love so intensely but all it brings is a temporary, plastic happiness that always ends. It seems like most things end up that way. Everything is so temporary. We all want stability but we can never fully reach it. If we do, it is temporary and shallow just like anything else.

 Maybe humans are meant to be nothing more than a destructive species that will destroy this planet to make room for something better.

We’re all just scrambling around worrying about how to find money and happiness and love that ultimately means nothing. We are a billion tiny, worthless beings in this universe. We are nothing beyond our own perspectives of this world. We are a useless species.

 I wish we would just die out already. Or I wish the earth would just explode and put everyone and everything out of their stupid fucking misery. I think we have sealed our fate. It’s just a matter of time. Try as we might, and no matter how many intelligent, passionate people there are, it is  too late.

 We are in far too deep into this abyss to ever fully climb out of it.

 And I just don’t care anymore.